Vote Me for President!

by Justin 13 September 2011 20:35 Miscilliness

Certain that my policies can be no more insane than those of the current Republican candidates, I've decided to run for President of the USA. Read on for what my Presidency can do for YOU!

Yes, I know I'm not American. And, yes, I know I don't even live in America but let's not allow common sense and straightforward facts get in the way of something as important as me becoming President of the USA. Yes, that's right, I'm announcing my bid today, and I've outlined the key changes I will make once I'm in charge of the greatest biggest USAest country in the world.

My Pledges

1 - First I will be signing a pledge to oppose non-gamers being allowed to keep television sets in their bedrooms. We have to protect the sanctity of the bedroom console gamer, and those people who don't respect the console should be disallowed from placing televisions sets in other rooms of their houses. I believe that use of a TV in the bedroom should be defined as being between a gamer and their console, and we should let nothing stand in the way of the simple semantics of this argument.

It's true, this doesn't affect me in the slightest: any one of you could put your TV in any room of your house and not even once connect a PS3 to it, and I certainly wouldn't know about it. But that's not the point.

2 - Next I shall make reality television illegal. Reality television is a barbaric practice that results in the killing of brain cells, and we can no longer allow it to continue in our civilised society. We must cherish our brain cells, even the fifty billion or so of them that we will probably never, ever need, or that might even one day grow into life-threatening tumours. Remember: it doesn't matter what becomes of these brains cells, just so long as we don't allow people the choice to rampantly murder them.

Believe me, I am told every day that there are people out there for whom reality television is a lifeline, that it's the only choice they have available to them after a hard day's work, that it provides welcome respite from their working lives. So, I say to these people: make better choices and get easier jobs!

Also, I don't like reality TV. Those programmes are rubbish. I cannot abide the thought that there might be someone living next door to me who's even thinking about watching reality television. I will dedicate myself to ensuring they can never again do something I disapprove of.

3 - Let's also do away with disabled parking spaces: they just get in the way. For our economy to grow we need to get people to the shops; people with lots of cash to waste. Forcing those with disposable income to be dropped at the loading-only zone while their driver nips off to find a parking space that could be tens of meters away is not just an embarrassment: it's a death sentence for our retail culture. We should reserve the priority spaces for those who have the most clearly defined need for them: those who have money to spend.

Everyone else - all the parents, those on benefits, the elderly - they can afford to walk a bit further because, let's face it, they certainly can't afford to spend their cash.

4 - I also support teaching our students all about the adventures of Doctor Who as part of their history lessons. There is no proof that Doctor Who didn't exist and, indeed, there are many who believe he is a real person. We should therefore give our students access to all the facts, in the context of historical study, so they can make an informed decision.

You might say that Doctor Who is a work of fiction, and I would say to you: Well, have you actually been in the TARDIS? Can you tell me that the TARDIS positively doesn't exist? And your answer would be no. Therefore, the life and times of Doctor Who should be treated as fact until it can be positively disproved.

5 Finally, I shall repeal 3d in cinemas and in all areas of home entertainment. I will not rest until I've achieved this ... this, and all the other stuff I need to achieve too - but I will not rest, even if, as President, I eventually become a homicidal sleep-deprived maniac. It cannot be said too often: 3d is a crime against entertainment and I will make it history.

I whined about 3d being introduced in the first place, and no one listened to me so once I have the power I will do what I think is right, regardless of whether the rest of you get any benefit from watching films in 3d.

Say what?!

So there you have it, my promises to you should you see fit to elect me President.

And if you think all that sounds like the ramblings of bedroom-bound geek suffering from an overdose of Red Bull, well ... actually I've got no idea what one of those sounds like, but you'd be right to think that all of the above is deranged lunacy. You'd also be right to thank your lucky stars that I will never have a shot in hell of making it into the White House (at least not on the back of those policies).

Then again, 3d is pants...

Those wacky Republicans

Still, if you think my policies are crazy, let's look at the policies of some of the people who are making a genuine bid for the White House (I say some people, but all of the current Republican runners are equally insane, dangerous and utterly terrifying so I'm going to focus mostly on Michelle Bachmann since she's been the most outspoken at the time of writing).

1 - Several of the key Republican candidates have signed a pledge to define marriage as being solely between a man and a women, which is their oh-so-clever way of making gay marriage little more than an impossible fiction. I won't bother to analyse their arguments here (I have more worthy things to waste my time on, such as cleaning out my cat's litter tray), but I want to emphasize the illogicality of fighting against something that will actually have no negative effect upon them or anyone else whatsoever.

They simply don't want people who are not like them to be able to do something that they take for granted. You might as well say that you can't walk your dog in the park if your name is Patrick and you were born on a Thursday (*waves to Patrick*).

2 - It's a long-standing given that any Republican candidate will automatically oppose abortion. I could go on at length about this (for the record I am not particularly pro-abortion, but I am vehemently anti-'pro-choice' and against any movement which aims to remove a person's right to choose). For me it boils down to the same faux-logic for denying gay marriage: we don't like it, we don't approve of it, therefore you can't do it and we don't care about the consequences for you personally.

The worst part of this is that 'pro-life' supporters will fight tooth and nail against abortion (even, paradoxically, resorting to murder in extreme cases) but they don't actually give a stuff what happens to the baby once it leaves the womb. The most underhand motivation here is to keep women down a peg or two, by removing their right to choose, but it's also about life simply for life's sake without any thought for the quality of that life.

Though I wonder how their brains would cope if they knew that a foetus they just saved was going to grow up to become a doctor who performs abortions?

3 - Republicans are all about tax cuts, they want to save people money all over the place - but not actually the people who really need to save their money. No, the Republicans consistently champion tax cuts for the rich and for corporations. They'll achieve this by cutting services that people desperately need, but of course they don't care about that so long as they're keeping the corporations happy, and the corporations keep those donations coming in.

Michelle Bachmann has even advocated removing the tax-free threshold for America's lowest earners (we're talking people here who earn so little that they're actually excused from paying tax, because they can't afford to). In short, the Republicans are out to help people who don't need help and to screw over people who really do need help.

4 - Creationism-as-science is yet another tired argument that won't go away, kept aloft by the hot air of repeated Republican lies. Personally I have no complaint about creationism being taught in schools: as long as it's in religious education classes. If people want to believe it, that's fine, and there's certainly no reason for it not to be taught as a religious concept, but it's not science and it never will be.

5 President Obama achieved one of the greatest feats of any US President in living memory: he introduced health care for all Americans. At least, he tried.

By the time his bill passed it apparently bore more resemblance to some earlier Republican bills and was probably a shadow of what he had intended. Nevertheless, safe in the knowledge that they will never, ever require nor see any benefit from healthcare reform, Republicans are wasting no effort in trying to repeal 'Obamacare' and make sure that insurance companies can once again charge what they want to Americans who can't actually afford to pay for healthcare at all. Good on you, Republicans!

What next?

Fingers crossed the Republicans will manage to draw someone who's actually sane from within the depths of their party and put that person forward as their Presidential candidate (given the plummeting ratings Obama is enduring right now it's not looking hopeful for the Democrats). On the other hand, the current runners are so clearly deranged that no one in their right mind would vote for any of them...

... right?

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