Childfree, Childless, or just... you
This week I learned a new term: childfree. Apparently it means something different to what I thought it meant. This is my attempt to understand what it means.
So this week the world of Perth twitter encountered the #childfree hashtag. Unfortunately I wasn't there right from the beginning but my understanding is that it started when someone tweeted about being #childfree because they had scored a precious few minutes or hours away from their child. Of course, it didn't actually start there as we quickly learned that the #childfree hashtag already 'belonged' to a 'subculture' of tweeters in the US who were using it to proclaim the fact that they didn't have children.
What followed (and still continues at the time of writing) was a hugely entertaining war of tweets based entirely on the fact that someone thought they could claim ownership of a hashtag. I emphasize that last point as the slew of #childfree hashtagged tweets that followed had, for the most part, nothing to do with whether people had children or not.
Are you now, or have you ever been, a parent?
I myself indulged in as many flippant #childfree related tweets as I could muster until, eventually, my interest was piqued by two questions. Firstly: why does this defensive subculture even exist? Second: why are they appropriating semantically incorrect terminology?
Let's deal with the first question, er, first.
I don't own a dog, but I don't consider myself 'dog free'. I simply... don't own a dog. I'm not sure if there's a dog free subculture (I guess there's one way to find out) but I wouldn't imagine that people feel a great need to defend their choice not to own a dog. So why would people need to defend the choice not to have children?
As a species we have a genetic imperative to breed, to continue our species. Fortunately not everyone has to breed as there are more than enough babies to go around. In fact, given the potentially disastrous population boom, people who choose not to breed should probably be applauded.
However, we're geared towards the societal norms: get a good job, get married, have children. While most decent people don't judge others on what they do or do not have, society as a whole applies pressure upon people to conform (it's probably for the same reason that there's a similar subculture based around people who are overweight).
I still think there's a little more to it though: if you're secure in your decisions you generally don't feel the need to defend them so vocally or so publicly. There are plenty of people out there who don't have children (by choice) who haven't ever considered themselves part of any subculture.
I don't know what the true background is, but I've noticed that some of the #childfree 'defenders' who attacked the (what they presumed to be) parents who were taking the #childfree hashtag in vain were (ludicrously) suggesting that having a child was almost always for selfish reasons. No doubt sometimes that's true, but one of the craziest tweets I've read in a long while actually seemed to suggest that bringing a child into the world *against its will* is wrong. Now, if anyone can tell me how to consult with a foetus then I'm all ears...
To look at the other side of the argument there's been a flurry of #childfree activists (?) trying to reclaim 'their' hashtag by tweeting their reasons for being childfree. Many of these revolve around having more time to spend by yourself, or with your partner, or having more money, or simply not wanting the responsibility. I may need a new dictionary, but if those aren't selfish reasons then I don't know what are.
Still - I'm not really that interested in attacking the #childfree movement, I simply wanted to consider why it existed at all. So, onto the second question.
Baby talk
In truth the semantics of the 'childfree' tag are far more interesting to me. Someone smartly tweeted that 'childless' more accurately meant that you were without child, whereas 'childfree' can reasonably be used by parents who have managed to leave their kids with a baby sitter.
One fair argument against using childless (yes, I'm bored of the quotes now, you'll just have to pay attention) is that it implies a sense of loss: if you're headless you've lost a head that you previously owned; you haven't chosen to grow yourself without a head. In general appending -less to a word implies that you're without something you either should possess, or previously possessed.
However, appending -free has similar, albeit more positive, connotations: think smokefree, sugarfree, gluten-free, etc. Such terms still denote something that deviates from the norm. We don't have 'sugarfree cheese' for instance, we simply have cheese. We only have smokefree areas because, for a long time, it's been the norm that people can smoke almost wherever they like.
My point is that by adopting the phrase 'childfree' this subculture is being its own worst enemy. Far from establishing that it's perfectly ok not to have children (which it is) they're emphasizing their own perceived insecurity about being different from the rest of society.
...
Just for the record this post is not meant to be any sort of attack on people who choose not to have children. I just think you're a bit of a twat if you make a big song and dance about not having children. I also think you're a bit of a twat if you tell me about how wonderful it was when little Johnny first shat in his nappy. Whether you have kids or not, there's an equal chance of you being a twat.
And, of course, there's a an equal chance of you being awesome.
Update (10/12/2011)
This post isn't really about whether you've chosen to have children or not, hence I'm not going to use this space to correct some of my misinterpretations and generalisations. Nevertheless, those of you following the flameware maight have gotten the impression that anyone who labels themselves as #childfree is an irrational, parent-bashing, close-minded, uninsightful moron. That's definitely the case with three of them, but not the majority. For anyone who wants to get a broader picture of living childfree I present the following links, kindly suggested by @acetonescribe, who is definitely not an irrational, parent-bashing, close-minded, uninsightful moron.
Update (11/12/2011)
We're getting to the point where I might need to write a follow up post after all, but for now I have two more small updates. Firstly, I'm very pleased to present this wonderfully articulate and honest response to my own post from 'Sebastyne' (who you'll also spot in the comments below):
A more surprising turn is this article from (I think) @juliewashere88, who some of who will note as one of the more off-the-wall participants in the recent flamewar. The article linked below dates from November 26 (pre-flamewar) and is a hugely eloquent defense of the ownership of the term childfree. I can't for the life of me understand why this article wasn't proffered during the flamewar as it explains her stance wonderfully:
(Note that I still don't necessarily agree that one group can claim a word over any other group or interpretation, but Julie's words above certainly give me more pause for thought that any of her tweets have).
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Comments
Georgie 06 Dec 2011 22:45
I like the cut of your jib.
Paul 06 Dec 2011 23:47
Haha.. brilliant post mate! Love it. One of the childfree advocates tried to tell me that if your children died and you were happy about it, then you can call yourself childfree and use the hashtag.. probably fits in that twat category..
Tilly 07 Dec 2011 10:28
I once spent time in "childfree" forums online, but was never comfortable with the term because it implies a sense of smug self-superiority (like fat free, sugar free, etc). It can get a bit ugly 'us vs them'.
I see your point about being 'childfree' people coming across as defensive, but your "dogfree" analogy is a bit of a straw man. As far as I know, non-dog owners are not in the habit of being interrogated over and having to defend their 'dogfree' lifestyle. Conversely, many people, even complete strangers, will see it as their business to ask why a person of childbearing age does not have children, and sometimes challenge that decision quite rudely and aggressively. That breeds (pardon the pun) an air of defensiveness among the non-childed.
supercujo 07 Dec 2011 10:43
Most of the people stirring up the #ChildFree people are people who dislike the 'ownership' of the hashtag
katelyn 07 Dec 2011 13:39
I love your comment about being dog free, hilarious! I don't know why they put a name on it...If you don't have kids, just enjoy it and move on! -Katelyn, founder www.DINKlife.com
Kareena 07 Dec 2011 17:03
Some people can be nosey twats about people who choose not to have kids. For that reason,I can understand a bit of bitterness on the part of the childless. However, it\'s not an excuse to be a twat themselves. Some people want kids. Others don\'t. It\'s not really a big deal. Live and let live.
I think you summed it up well: \"Whether you have kids or not, there\'s an equal chance of you being a twat.
And, of course, there\'s a an equal chance of you being awesome.\"
Meticulous73 08 Dec 2011 09:35
Awesome blog, sums it up perfectly. Well said.
Sabrina 08 Dec 2011 19:10
Here is a list of all the things wrong with your argument.
1. Dog-free is a stupid analogy to make. You clearly haven't thought this through. Do people commonly react with surprise, resentment, and a whole host of other negative reactions when you tell them you don't have a dog? No? It's not something you're regularly required to justify, to strangers as well as family? No? Guess that makes your point worthless then. The childfree aren't defensive because they're insecure about their choice, they're fed up of it being challenged.
2. You say that tweeters were using the #childfree tag to proclaim they didn't have children. Wrong again. The hashtag was a great way of spreading info to people who would be interested in it, which I'm pretty sure was the original point of hashtags. Again you're using a wilful interpretation without facts simply to fit your point of view.
3. You then went on to say that the reasons people had for being childfree were the epitome of selfishness. And you, sir, are just the sort of idiot we are fed up of justifying ourselves to. Selfish is having a child when you don't have the will, desire or resources to raise it. Selfishness has nothing to do with the parents or would-be parents and everything to do with the child. If you cannot give that child love, attention, support and physical necessities, you're being selfish. That's it. Free time etc has nothing to do with it. If you looked beyond your prejudice you'd see that some of the childfree people understand better than anyone save parents how much work, time and dedication it takes to raise kids. And that's exactly why we know it's not selfish to make a decision that's right for us.
If you have come across childfree people who denounce parents just for being parents, please understand they are not in the majority. Most of us would just like both choices to be equally valid, appreciated and understood.
Justin 08 Dec 2011 19:24
Some fair points there. I don't see the value in picking apart the few bits and pieces that you've minsterpreted, but I do have to point out that I never have been, and still am not, prejudiced against people who choose not to have children.
I am, however, prejudiced against people who, among other things, take themselves too seriously; or who immediately go on the attack because the assume that they themsevles are being attacked; or, indeed, insist that they can tell other people how they should or shouldn't use a particular word or term...
Seb 08 Dec 2011 19:34
Hi Sabrina! I loved that Boys Boys Boys song, you're freaking awesome!
Sabrina 08 Dec 2011 19:35
Well, yes. Personally I'd never tell someone to get off a hashtag and I don't understand why people felt the need to do that. The subsequent trolling was just as petty and childish, though :/
And it's already an issue trying to get both sides to chill and be respectful of each other's choices. It really annoys me this just makes it worse. :(
Justin 08 Dec 2011 20:27
I'm not so sure this has made it worse - there's certainly a few people who have given 'childfree' a very bad reputation by their behaviour and opinions (and that works both ways). Nevertheless, I never even knew that 'childfree' was a thing so I've found it all quite eye-opening, and it's also gotten me talking to a load of new, interesting - and potentially awesome - people on twitter. So... win?
Sabrina 08 Dec 2011 22:51
That is true! Discussion is always a fantastic thing, and we can't learn from each other unless we talk :) I will be happy when there's less of an 'us vs them' mentality though - because 'them' will always include people we love and are close to, so it's always better to build understanding instead of conflict.
anon 10 Dec 2011 17:05
I find it bizarre that all these \"childfree\" people are saying they are constantly questioned and challenged about having no children..
My wife and I are probably unable to have kids as it turns out, we\'d love to have our own kids, instead we sponsor several children in third world nations. We\'ve never been challenged about our lack of children or even asked about it..
Sebastyne 10 Dec 2011 18:46
Good post. I am childfree myself, but didn't know about the term "childfree" for a long time. I pumped onto it a few years ago, when I got bored sick of mommy bloggers who seemed to be EVERYWHERE. I started looking for blogs that were written by people my age who didn't have children, in other words, something else to talk about than endless play dates. Eventually I found the term childfree, which took me a long time to accept and adopt. To me it sounds flippant, arrogant and, yes, defensive. Yet I use it for the simplicity of it, the fellow childfree people usually know what it means although I also use the term "childless by choice". Why is it important to have a term... Because it cuts the need of explanation time a lot. For example, when asked "so, do you have children", I can in one word explain to the person that I never wanted them and there's no reason to get awkward over it, as it was a choice - I won't be crying myself to sleep tonight just because I know you have those blessed bundles of joy and I don't.
It was only after I found the term that I realized some people have a problem with those of us who haven't got children. It never occurred to me that it could be a problem, so I agree with the oddity of the defensiveness of it. However, I believe it has a lot to do with what kind of culture people live in, their families, their towns and so forth, how much side ways looks they get.
The selfishness thing... It comes from the persistent slur at the childfree that it is selfish not to have kids. The point being that both choices are selfish. ALWAYS. It's always about the individuals needs or fears, which ever way it goes. It's always an attempt to maximise happiness.
Sorry for the essay. XD
weetz 10 Dec 2011 22:43
Anon, you are definitely one of the lucky ones. I'm on the fence about kids, which is something my large Hispanic family doesn't understand. My husband and I were recently married when an aunt asked us when we would have kids. I answered we would wait five or ten years(I'm in graduate school, and 23) and got a surprised response. A different aunt replied with, "Well, I was 34 when I had my last one, so I guess you're okay." When I added I may never want them, my mother immediately jumped in with, "Oh, you're too young to know."
Some of us are questioned every day, some of us only deal with those reactions a few times a year, but it is always, always incensing.
Dogsledder 14 Dec 2011 22:50
The difference between childfree and dog free is that society does not insist that no matter what course my life takes, eventually I will have to buckle under and get a dog. I feel that society does however feel that it is a necessity for me to reproduce and reminds me of the fact that I have not, nor will not , reproduce almost constantly.
Jessica 15 Dec 2011 10:09
I really appreciate this post and the subsequent replies. I have never wanted to have children, but I am not comfortable defining myself as \'childfree\'. I am just me. I understand some people\'s use of the word though. Many people define themselves as being a parent before anything else and perhaps some people feel the need to assert their non-parenthood with the confident use of a term. Most people have never heard this term though so its use might be counter-productive. I have nothing against parents who acknowledge an alternative to their choice is possible, and just as positive (though obviously not for them). My difficulties arise when I am faced (as I have been) with someone who cannot comprehend that I do not want children and most likely never will. They patronisingly insist that I will change my mind, that I simply MUST experience the joy of bearing children. Not so. As with everything in life, one choice does not fit all. I would never dream of arguing that a parent might regret having their children or change their mind about their choice and the fact that people don\'t think twice about saying such things to the \'child-free\' and asking them to justify their choice is beyond irritating. Childfree people are not more selfish than parents, parents are not more selfless than childfree people: the difference is that the choice not to have children allows the individual to focus more on themselves which is not selfish but is just an aspect of this choice. So, I will end this post for thanking you again for yours and being accepting of this somewhat misunderstood choice.
Laura 21 Dec 2011 18:11
Want a place to check out childfree discussion that steers clear of rant and defense? La Vie Childfree. The rants are like the kids at the back of the class that can often ruin it for everyone else. Lots of people who don't want children find productive forums to discuss this topic and more..Laura, author of Families of Two
Sylvia D. Lucas 21 Dec 2011 20:54
"I still think there's a little more to it though: if you're secure in your decisions you generally don't feel the need to defend them so vocally or so publicly."
I agree with you, for the most part, and wrote something similar in "The Childfree vs. 'Breeder' War: Why Are We Fighting It?"
I do believe people who embark on an angry crusade against parents in general and who defend their choice when no attacker is present aren't yet sure about their choice. Either they feel guilty for feeling it (and are fighting their own guilt), are starting to realize they may want children (but don't WANT to want them), or actually want children but can't have them (I've known two people like this). But I think the same is true for parents who blast the childfree and call them a lovely string of names - they aren't sure about their choice to have children, and maybe they secretly wish they had the freedom the childfree have.
If you're happy with your choice, I don't understand the anger unless you're angry at someone in particular who's attacking your choice. - Sylvia, author of 'No Children, No Guilt'